Romantic Relationships
Planning a Perfect Day for You and Your Disabled Date
By Dani McEwen
By Dani McEwen
A date can stress anyone out, especially early on in a relationship. For disabled singles, this stress is often multiplied by worries over whether the venue will be accessible, if their date will be respectful of their access needs and boundaries, and how much energy they’ll be able to put into planning the perfect evening. I don’t need to tell you that anxiety seldom makes for a good time, so if you want your date to be a fond memory one day, I’ve compiled a list of measures you can take to alleviate some of this stress.
Planning the Date
1. Always communicate with your date about their needs before making plans!
While it never hurts to be flexible, it’s so much easier to choose destinations and form a plan with their disability in mind instead of treating it as an afterthought that needs to be “worked around.” Before you start planning, make sure you know relevant information like if they need a wheelchair accessible building, how long they’re able to safely be outside (and in what weather!), and what their dietary needs are.
2. Call ahead.
To show your date that you value their time, an extra sweet idea would be to call ahead and make sure you’re taking them somewhere accessible. Putting in the effort to find a movie screening with the captions they need or a restaurant with plenty of options that fit their dietary restrictions shows that you're taking their disability seriously. Often, we’ll do this ourselves, but I know I’d be flattered if my date did some investigation to make sure there would be no surprise access barriers.
3. Be Prepared to Take Breaks
Thinking of going mini golfing? Cute! But please don’t be offended if your date needs a minute to themselves every few courses. A common concept in the disabled community, across a wide variety of disabilities, is that our energy is a more finite resource than most people recognize. Whether we need to sit a moment, take a sensory break, or any other self-care, that time is a necessary health measure and it reflects nothing about the date you planned.
1. Always communicate with your date about their needs before making plans!
While it never hurts to be flexible, it’s so much easier to choose destinations and form a plan with their disability in mind instead of treating it as an afterthought that needs to be “worked around.” Before you start planning, make sure you know relevant information like if they need a wheelchair accessible building, how long they’re able to safely be outside (and in what weather!), and what their dietary needs are.
2. Call ahead.
To show your date that you value their time, an extra sweet idea would be to call ahead and make sure you’re taking them somewhere accessible. Putting in the effort to find a movie screening with the captions they need or a restaurant with plenty of options that fit their dietary restrictions shows that you're taking their disability seriously. Often, we’ll do this ourselves, but I know I’d be flattered if my date did some investigation to make sure there would be no surprise access barriers.
3. Be Prepared to Take Breaks
Thinking of going mini golfing? Cute! But please don’t be offended if your date needs a minute to themselves every few courses. A common concept in the disabled community, across a wide variety of disabilities, is that our energy is a more finite resource than most people recognize. Whether we need to sit a moment, take a sensory break, or any other self-care, that time is a necessary health measure and it reflects nothing about the date you planned.
On the Big Day
1. Treat Them Like You Would Treat Anyone
This especially means not trying to “help” with things you would let anyone else do on their own. It’s sweet when my partner holds the door open for me, and I can reasonably assume they’d do that on any date. But things like guiding someone to a table, moving their mobility device, or even ordering for them (oh, the horror stories I’ve collected) are unacceptable. Your date is used to operating in the world in their body, just like you are, and if they need help with something out of the ordinary, I promise they will tell you. If ever you’re unsure if what you’re doing is undermining someone’s agency, it never hurts to ask first.
2. Understand That Sometimes, People Are Rude
People may stare at you and your date. They may ask invasive questions. This is a regular experience for disabled people living in an ableist world, and each individual knows how they like to respond, but it will feel brand new to you. Until you know how your date wants these situations to be handled (and that will probably not be until you’re in a long-term relationship), let them take the lead on responding to ableism.
3. Trust Their Communication
Disabled people are often expert self-advocates, and they know what is best for themselves. Whether it be ordering alcohol or offering sex, they know what they can handle in a night just as well as you do. Your agency is important, too, and you have the right to decline any ideas offered but never question your disabled date’s ability to make their own informed decisions. The rules of consent remain the same.
1. Treat Them Like You Would Treat Anyone
This especially means not trying to “help” with things you would let anyone else do on their own. It’s sweet when my partner holds the door open for me, and I can reasonably assume they’d do that on any date. But things like guiding someone to a table, moving their mobility device, or even ordering for them (oh, the horror stories I’ve collected) are unacceptable. Your date is used to operating in the world in their body, just like you are, and if they need help with something out of the ordinary, I promise they will tell you. If ever you’re unsure if what you’re doing is undermining someone’s agency, it never hurts to ask first.
2. Understand That Sometimes, People Are Rude
People may stare at you and your date. They may ask invasive questions. This is a regular experience for disabled people living in an ableist world, and each individual knows how they like to respond, but it will feel brand new to you. Until you know how your date wants these situations to be handled (and that will probably not be until you’re in a long-term relationship), let them take the lead on responding to ableism.
3. Trust Their Communication
Disabled people are often expert self-advocates, and they know what is best for themselves. Whether it be ordering alcohol or offering sex, they know what they can handle in a night just as well as you do. Your agency is important, too, and you have the right to decline any ideas offered but never question your disabled date’s ability to make their own informed decisions. The rules of consent remain the same.
Following Up After the Date
1. Ask For Feedback
Reach out after the date, tell them you had fun, and ask if there’s anything they think could go better next time. Was there anything that made your date feel uncomfortable? What would they like to see more of moving forward? These are honestly great questions to ask in any new relationship, but they are especially important for someone whose boundaries are often treated as an inconvenience by society. It may feel awkard at first, but the only way to know what’s gone right and wrong is to ask.
2. Plan Your Next Date
And don’t forget to have fun!
1. Ask For Feedback
Reach out after the date, tell them you had fun, and ask if there’s anything they think could go better next time. Was there anything that made your date feel uncomfortable? What would they like to see more of moving forward? These are honestly great questions to ask in any new relationship, but they are especially important for someone whose boundaries are often treated as an inconvenience by society. It may feel awkard at first, but the only way to know what’s gone right and wrong is to ask.
2. Plan Your Next Date
And don’t forget to have fun!
